Is it a dairy cow? Is it a human? Yes, actually, a bit of both. It’s … Cow Princess! She’s a breastfeeding mother and though she’s no better than any other mother she does have some talents a man cannot match. In other words, she’s everyone’s hero or definitely not your hero depending on your comfort level with exposed functional nipples. When Cow Princess isn’t squirting frothy, warm breast milk straight into a baby’s mouth, she’s suctioning her breasts to a cone-shaped battery-powered pump so she never stops making milk. Baby wants the milk in a bottle? No problem. One expressed cup of milk coming up. Get it while it’s hot! Not following? You’re not meant to. This is Cow Princess business.
We all know Cow Princess is awesome but, lately, she’s been seeming too incredible for some people to handle. She doesn’t “do” weekends. She generates the exact antibodies and nutrition a baby needs that even the most advanced science can’t replicate. She can even produce unique fat percentages required for different babies at the same time! Manslation: that’s like simultaneously pouring two separate draft beers with the perfect amount of head without using your hands. Men with vestiges of nipples are scared.
In an attempt to humanize her image despite being human already, Cow Princess’s publicity team has deemed it necessary to release some excerpts from her closely guarded diary in hopes that it will make her seem more relatable. Now, you, the average non-milk producing citizen can get to know Cow Princess:
“Woke up. Drank a latte with milk from a cow. Got milked. Napped. Wondered if cows might like human milk lattes. Good day so far.”
“Boobs filling up like water balloons that can’t stretch any further. Must. Relieve. Pressure. Where’s a hungry baby when you need one?”
“Pumped milk four times today. Note: in future, do not ask oneself the meaning of life while pumping breast milk. Answers are not reassuring.”
“Nipples cracked and sore. Not to worry, there’s a cream for that. Just another day at the Cowffice.”
“Not proud to say but I taste-tested the breast milk. Was curious - needed to see what all the fuss was about. And, well, it’s as sweet and delicious. Might try it in my coffee when no one is looking.”
“Have one breast making more milk than the other. It’s the good boob. Still better overall than no boobs, I think?”
“Countless litres of milk produced. Hard, long, hormonal days. I guess it’s been a productive time, yet somehow I feel empty. Didn’t expect I’d ever quote Anchorman at a time like this but maybe (my) milk was a bad choice.”
“Proud of the babies I fed, the breasts I’ve trained. My nipples are wiser and hardened with experience. They know what to do. Will wait for the next baby to feed. Until next time, super milk glands… until next time.”