Dear Readers,
Thanks for subscribing to BLLL (I know, it’s too early to use the acronym). This month’s BIG List: The Art of Making Life More Difficult Than It Needs To Be (below) will help you in no way. If I did my job and you follow the advice, it will make your life worse. Just admit it, on some level, that’s what your dark soul craves.
This month’s Little List: Sleep Training My Baby Made Me Realize I’m Not Sleep Trained (click to read) is equally useless. Arthur is a real gem, he seems to get it but I still do not. I don’t get any of it - how to live, sleep, or why Melinda and Bill broke up. It’s all a goddamn mystery.
Check back next month for more non-answers to life’s big and little questions.
KR
BIG List: The Art of Making Life More Difficult Than It Needs To Be
I am incapable of ease. I’m an expert second-guesser, worrier and over-thinker. My greatest talent is making things difficult for myself in new, exciting ways. In my 20s, I tried different versions of doubting every sensible instinct, ruining my most productive relationships and switching career paths as soon as I got promoted. In my 30s, I’ve taken to fearing things that couldn’t possibly happen, listening to the wrong advice and pursuing stand-up comedy to repeatedly experience that sinking feeling when no one laughs at your joke. Who knows what creative forms of masochistic fun I will have next. You might call this self-sabotage, but I prefer to think of it as an art form. Thirty-five years down the drain, I dare call '“struggling unnecessarily” my craft.
Like anything, if you want to fight off that nagging part of your brain tempting you with happiness, you have to put in the hours doing the right wrong things. Inventing obstacles isn’t for everyone, it takes creativity, fortitude and a complete lack of perspective. But, if you’re dedicated, you can learn how to exert yourself all the way to the finish line.
Here’s how to do it the hard way:
Revel in sadness.
This might seem counterintuitive at first but when you’re sad you can: take antidepressants and no one questions you, spend inordinate amounts of time in bed wondering what you might accomplish if you weren’t in bed, wallow in perfect cocktail of self-pity, shame and guilt, and go on and off social media and call it your ‘thing.’ The possibilities are endless. Now, let’s look at the short list of upsides of being happy: you’re happy. That’s it. It’s the end of the road. Stop looking around, there’s nothing else. You must now enjoy “the moment.” Does that sound fun?
Deny your natural talents.
Swim up-current whenever possible. If you’re confused about which way the current is going think about what you truly, deep down, want and then ignore that and try to please everyone around you instead.
Procrastinate what brings you the most joy.
Stop procrastinating your to-do list. This is not where procrastination will be most effective. If you want to make your life harder, then you really need to procrastinate when making plans with your nicest friends or baking a dessert you read about that would really stoke your creative juices.
Question your instincts.
It takes a special type of masochist to almost order the pasta carbonara but at the last second question everything you know about yourself and order the soup and salad. If you can’t identify your initial instincts anymore, you’re overthinking just enough.
Listen to the family members who make you feel the worst about yourself.
Call your parents and ask them what they think you should do with your life. Repeat this as many times as it takes to destroy your sense of self.
Put unreasonable pressure on yourself.
If you’re attempting to write an important email, prepare for an interview or anything that matters make sure that you understand the stakes. Your whole future is riding on this. Keep reminding yourself that if you mess up, you’ll never get this chance again. Also, don’t eat breakfast and drink a triple shot espresso.
Bring two umbrellas.
One is never enough. Always protect against the worst-case scenario, and then protect against the worst-case scenario not being bad enough. It WILL rain if you are not prepared. If bad things haven’t happened in a while, lie awake and wonder when the other shoe is going to drop.
Avoid breakthroughs at all costs.
Proceed with extreme caution if you have a rising sense of hope and excitement. This is the danger zone! Immediately stop, drop and question what you are doing to avoid the disastrous scenario of unintentionally solving a fundamental issue in your life.