Today's Trendy Accessory: a Pandemic Baby
Ew... also... COME TO MY SHOW THIS THURSDAY NOV 18 AT COMEDY BAR
Dear Friends,
I had a Pandemic Baby. I’m sick of saying it but not sick of exploiting it!
This month’s LITTLE LIST: Pandemic Baby: How To Tell If You Had One is mostly a marketing tactic for fellow stand-up and UncommonTakes co-host Adam Muller’s and my new comedy show in the main space at Comedy Bar on Bloor called… you guessed it - Pandemic Baby. If you live in Toronto and are not coming, then we will assume you hate babies and laughter.
For more baby-exploitation, follow me on INSTAGRAM.
See you Thursday!!!!!
KR
LITTLE LIST
Pandemic Babies: How To Tell If You Had One
You thought you simply had a baby during the pandemic but that is DEAD wrong (which is like being right, but in a deadly pandemic). Mommy/Daddy…you may not realize it, but you have the chance to stand out in the extremely competitive playground of which-parents-have-it-worse! Sling that cute-y on and slap a mask around that faded postpartum glow - you have the ultimate trendy accessory… an once-in-a-century Pandemic Baby!
According to well-rested parents with lots of nannies, a Pandemic Baby is clingy and antisocial because they were born sometime during the COVID-19 outbreak and couldn’t attend as many soirees as babies normally do. Sure, babies don’t have social skills because, you know, they’re babies. But there is simply no mistaking these little idiots for regular babies. They are [insert dramatic music with haunting hints of Baby Shark melody] PANDEMIC BABIES.”
Here’s how to tell if your baby is a bonafide, hardcore Pandemic Baby:
Your baby acts pandemic-y. Ie. they do not apologize after passing gas.
Your baby seems innocent but then says “gagababa” and divides a room politically.
Your baby wore full hazmat gear when they were born. When removing the hazmat gear, your baby’s first words were, “I was told to be prepared. You guys don’t seem prepared AT ALL.”
Your baby was born on TikTok and now uses their online platform to protest the fact that babies may be the last demographic to have the option to be vaccinated.
In order to not seem like a hypocrite, your baby does not cry when receiving non-COVID vaccines. If you haven’t seen a baby stare a nurse directly in the eye while getting a needle in the leg, then you haven’t witnessed the miracle of a pandemic-hardened baby and are probably not haunted by this memory.
Your baby goes out of their way to wear a mask, despite not being required to mask or able to put on a mask, mask-shaming everyone who wears a mask less-enthusiastically than a baby.
If you don’t have babies, it's not too late for you to jump on the pregnancy Pandwagon, depending on which state you live in. NOTE: It’s easier to be reproductive in a pandemic* than it is to be productive.
*If that doesn’t work, and you have a baby outside of pandemic times, try inserting any adjective that was infrequently employed for a century before the word “baby” and then keep using the term until it sounds official. And then go to a comedy show like this one: