Dear Friends,
Big day! Baby Arthur said his first word! It was: “isthereanypointtolifemama.” I guess it was more of a question. Adorable.
No, I don’t need an intervention. I’m sane. (Though I have been wondering why the opposite of sane is locked IN Sane itself, that would make anybody insane). I just don’t think we need to get bent out of shape trying to “APPRECIATE LIFE” when maybe it’s as ‘meh’ as it seems. These are the kind of thoughts that bring me joy.
This month’s edition features a couple of shorter lists because I have kids and you probably have kids and what more do you want from me?
Today’s Little List: “Pregnancy is a Shitshow That Ends in a Show of Shit” is as poetic as it sounds. The BIG List: “Ten Things No One Told Me About Life” goes deeper, darker and truer, so it’ll probably get me cancelled in 2054.
Also, I joined Twitter yesterday, or thereabouts: @katherinerawli. I have 14 followers, which is almost enough to make a cult.
You’re welcome for the inspiration.
Much love, Katherine
BIG List: Ten Things No One Told Me About Life
Because They Were Too Busy Pretending To Enjoy Theirs
Life, you know, the part that comes before death, is full of surprises. Not because it’s surprising but because no one bothers to tell you anything useful.
Here’s* what I wish someone had told me before I spent 35 years eating yogurt covered raisins. (#11. Nothing good ever comes from eating yoghurt covered anything.)
Living life feels like you’re starring in a movie. Except all the extras are convinced they’re the the stars of the same movie and the movie has an entirely different plot than what you signed on for and it turns out YOU’RE AN EXTRA.
Life only feels too short in retrospect. During, it kinda drags, especially when golfing or pregnant.
When you floss because you need to, not because you’re told to, you’re an adult. This applies to other things too, but flossing is most important.
Growing up is the process of realizing that you were never a special snowflake, but are more like salt water - ubiquitous and not helpful in an emergency.
Your parents are proud of you but also a little disappointed in you, unless you’re Greta Thunberg.
Most (straight) men think they are leading, when they are actually following. The key to a good life (especially if you have to have sex with one, consistently) is to make sure they keep thinking that.
Nothing matters. As long as you mostly ignore that fact, you’ll be able to function as a human.
Therapy helps unless you’re someone’s father. In that case, you’re beyond help and the rest of us will go to therapy to compensate.
If you’re not depressed, you’re causing everyone else’s depression. (If you think this list is depressing, you’re either 22 or being cheated on and don’t know yet. You’ll see.)
Most importantly, even if it goes against your better judgment and science, try to believe in God because then it’s easier to have sex with people who believe in God (which is most people, including Chris Pratt, God love him).
Little List: Pregnancy Is a Shitshow That Ends in a Show of Shit
NOOO, not literally. OK, YES, literally. But I’m not going to write “literally” in the title like every other stupid Buzzfeed article because I’m better than that but open to being published on Buzzfeed any time. Call me.
It’s true. I already wrote an article on pregnancy here. And I will continue to write about pregnancy until I’m no longer upset about it. I’m not mad. I’m a mom. There’s a difference, I think.
Here’s what no one told me about reproducing:
Try to have the pregnancy and labour experience that is most stressful for your partner. It’s the least they can do.
Nothing scares a sexist human more than a human with a new human inside their uterus. When your uterus is stretched to the max, stare them down and watch them cower.
You’re a human animal, which still counts as an animal. While reproducing, being human will no longer help you.
Doctors don’t know shit about your body and what you need. But they know more than the internet, or at least that’s what my doctor says.
When approaching labour, everything starts to hurt. A lot. At this point, it becomes evident that no man could withstand being pregnant or going into labour. It’s hard to look at a man the same way.
Every pregnancy, labour and baby is different but not different enough to make you feel special, just alone.
Pregnancy is a superpower. That’s why all your enemies come out of the woodwork while you’re at your most vulnerable. You’re now potentially a threat to sexists and feminists alike which, oddly, is possible.
When you shit yourself during labour in front of your partner and three to five strangers, you won’t care at all. In fact, you’ll be happy about it. I read a lot of books on labour but that was all I needed to know.
After you have a baby, you’ll be in shock because… you had a baby. Who even does that? The shock wears off in 1 to 60 years.
Don’t let anyone convince you that you will “just know” what to do when the baby arrives. You will not know. You are right to panic - NO, NOT LIKE THAT!!
If you enjoyed this, please send to a friend instead of emailing me about how much you enjoyed it. Appreciate the emails, though. XO
And then…